Enmeshment and Porn Addiction: How Christian Men Find Freedom Through Sonship
Understanding how enmeshment with mother traps men in porn.
By Jeffrey Pang, Counsellor, MC, Dip. CSBD (ISAT)
Introduction
Many Christian men battling pornography feel a deep, quiet shame they cannot explain. They love God. They desire purity. They want freedom. Yet porn feels like a gravitational pull — stronger in seasons of stress, loneliness, or emotional pressure.
For some, the root of this struggle isn’t simply lust or lack of discipline.
It’s enmeshment — a relational pattern described by Dr Kenneth M. Adams, psychologist and author of Silently Seduced and When He’s Married to Mom. His research shows how blurred family boundaries can shape adult men’s sexuality, identity, and intimacy.
What Is Enmeshment?
Enmeshment happens when emotional boundaries between a parent and child are blurred, reversed, or absent. Instead of the parent caring for the child’s emotional needs, the child becomes responsible for the parent’s emotional world.
“There is nothing loving or caring about a close parent–child relationship when it services the needs and feelings of the parent rather than the child.”¹
“The boundary between caring and incestuous love is crossed when the relationship with the child exists to meet the needs of the parent rather than those of the child.”²
Dr Adams calls this covert incest — emotional over-involvement that breeds guilt, loyalty, and identity confusion.
Symptoms of Enmeshment in Men
According to Ken Adams, enmeshment shows up in several ways:
- Difficulty saying “No” — You feel guilty asserting yourself or setting limits.
- Parentified child — You became the emotional caretaker or peacemaker.
- Inappropriate loyalty — “Inappropriate loyalty is a characteristic of mother-enmeshed men.”³
- Fear of independence & intimacy — Closeness feels suffocating; distance feels terrifying.
- Shame around desire — Normal masculine desires feel selfish or wrong.
- Sexual or relational dysfunction — Pornography, fantasy, or emotional withdrawal replace authentic intimacy.
“Sometimes a person will try to cover childhood wounds by seeking distractions.”⁴
Pornography becomes that distraction — a place of control, relief, and autonomy.
Why Enmeshment Leads to Porn Addiction
Porn addiction is rarely about sex; it’s about escape and self-regulation.
For the enmeshed man, porn provides:
• A false sense of autonomy
Porn feels private and guilt-free — the one space untouched by others’ emotions.
• A substitute for intimacy
Real intimacy triggers fear of engulfment or rejection. Porn offers fantasy closeness without vulnerability.
• Emotional numbing
Carrying others’ feelings is exhausting; porn numbs that burden.
“Without awareness, he was at the mercy of his unconscious beliefs and responses.”⁵
A Biblical Lens: Sonship Identity
The antidote to enmeshment isn’t rebellion — it’s Sonship.
Galatians 4:6-7 declares:
“Because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, ‘Abba! Father!’ So you are no longer a slave but a son.”
Enmeshed men live like slaves to others’ emotions.
But sons live from love, not for love.
- A son doesn’t perform to be accepted — he already is.
- A son doesn’t carry everyone’s burden — he entrusts them to God.
- A son isn’t ruled by guilt — he’s grounded in grace.
Healing Pathways
1. Recognise the wound
Ask: Whose emotions did I carry? What burdens weren’t mine?
Freedom begins with self-awareness.
2. Grieve the loss
Every enmeshed man loses something — childhood, freedom, or voice.
Psalm 34:18 — “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.”
3. Build boundaries
Jesus often withdrew to pray (Mark 1:35-38).
Boundaries are stewardship, not rebellion. Boundaries include physical as well as psychological and emotional boundaries.
“It is okay to have my own life and be separate from my mother.”⁶
4. Rewire relationships & the brain
Healing rewires both the heart and the dopamine system through accountability, brotherhood, therapy, and honest community.
5. Live as a Son
Romans 8:15 — “You did not receive a spirit of slavery…but the Spirit of adoption.”
Declare daily: “I am a son of God — not a slave to guilt or expectation.”
You Can Be Free
Enmeshment may have stolen your voice. Porn may have stolen your peace.
But Jesus restores both.
John 8:36 — “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
You are not beyond redemption. Through counselling, community, and God’s fatherly love, you can reclaim your masculine heart and walk in purity, purpose, and peace.
Not sure if porn is becoming a problem? Take a safe, anonymous online screening to get a quick snapshot. (This is a screening tool, not a diagnosis.)
At Sacred Space Counselling, we help men and women in Singapore break free from porn addiction and digital overstimulation. Using faith-based, neuroscience-informed therapy, we guide you in rebuilding healthy dopamine rhythms — leading to greater clarity, motivation, and peace.
You are not defined by your habits or your past. Your brain can heal. Your heart can be renewed. And your story can reflect redemption.
Are You Ready to Begin?
If pornography or compulsive behaviours have left you drained or distracted, take the first step toward healing.
Book a free 30-minute consultation with Sacred Space Counselling — where neuroscience meets grace, and every story finds hope.
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” — Psalm 51:10
Footnotes / References
- Adams, K. M. Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners. Health Communications.
- Ibid.
- Adams, K. M. When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love & Commitment. Touchstone.
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
